We all have genuine grievances such as infidelity, failed integrity, dishonesty, and judgment. Since it is so easy for us to acknowledge that our grievances are real and unacceptable, it becomes easy to get stuck in feeling justified in the anger. I know of no one who is above this experience. You are not alone. Reluctantly, I must admit I had a recent grudge and sadly I let this affect me for longer than I cared to admit. Yes, I invited the negativity in and spiraled in it for a few weeks. I slowly started to notice how it took over. Negativity seeped into my work life, my home life, and my self talk…. Negativity has no limits. I grew tired of it and became curious about what I was feeling, and asked what was happening. My curiosity with the negativity allowed me to understand 3 truths about grudges:
- This was a grudge match with myself, not with the person I was angry with. I had to accept that what was done was done and take back control. If you don’t, the negativity will swallow you whole. You must understand that if you continue to stay angry and resentful then the other person continues to have control over you… they have WON TWICE! Be the winner of your life and own why you were in the circumstance in the first place. You are responsible for you… no one else.
- We have to get really comfortable with grace. Switch places with the other person with whom you have a grudge. Open your mind and your perspective to understand where they might be coming from. Yes, this is sooo very hard. I have found that when I understand that people are doing the best they can with the skills they have, empathy comes easier and anger takes a backseat. This also allows me to set better boundaries with the information I gain.
- Forgive but don’t forget. Adversity has its advantages, but only when we learn from the experience. Forgiveness is not justification of the others behaviors, but rather choosing to let go of the anger and the shame. You are not only forgiving the other, but you are also actually forgiving yourself for your part in the interaction.
I mean, truthbomb, right?! There were a lot of “awe mans” and expletives when the truth smacked me in the face, but then there was this empowerment. It was an experience of, “Ok, now you know how to proceed and you are in control of the next steps.” You have to go through the emotion of the disappointment. What you feel is valid, no one can take this truth from you. I am simply inviting you to have peace in your life. This peace comes after the struggle and rumble of the circumstance. It takes a willingness to get comfortable with yourself, your feelings, your faults, and your abilities. It takes owning that resentment and grudges keep you STUCK and then choosing to SET YOURSELF FREE to invite joy and positivity back into your life.
If need more help with overcoming a grudge, individual therapy can help achieve this. To learn more visit thelafayettecounselor.com or My Online Booking Tool and book your appointment today!