You Are Not Alone: Speak Up (Mom Edition) - Brynne Angelle, LCSW PMH-C Lafayette, LA Counseling

How you feel as a person and then as a postpartum mom are so important! Your well being affects the whole family. So this nonsense many of us were taught about “hide your crazy” just doesn’t work. I’m not telling you to completely lose it in Target, but if you do, forgive yourself and know you aren’t alone. I’m saying own the whole story of you and motherhood, show yourself some grace, and make changes where necessary. Build a tribe of people you trust, and help each other through what it means to be a mom and all the feelings that go with it. Not one of us is perfect and we are not meant to do life alone.

Think about your experiences in trying to become a mother and/or being a mom.

We all have our unique journey and we also relate in many ways:

Maybe you’ve felt overwhelming joy and burst into tears

Maybe you’ve tried to get pregnant for what seems like a lifetime

Maybe you doubt your ability as a mom and question if you are good enough

Maybe you’ve had a miscarriage or several

Maybe you have lost pieces of yourself because you are constantly giving to everyone else

Maybe you love being a mom and it’s the best you’ve ever felt

Maybe breastfeeding was a breeze and maybe it was torture you never knew existed

Maybe getting pregnant was easy and maybe it has been an uphill battle

Maybe you adopted or fostered

Maybe that phrase “baby brain” finally makes sense

Maybe you find yourself worrying about your body, pregnancy, or baby

Maybe you feel paralyzed by fear
Maybe you feel nothing or sad, but people keep saying how happy you must be and what a blessing

I could go on and on from the things I’ve felt, things other moms shared with me, and what I’ve read or heard in blogs and podcasts. The point is you can insert your story and I want you to hear it is ok to talk about it and get the support you need. I just had my third child and 5th pregnancy and yes I understand, truly understand, what a blessing that is and also understand the stressors of motherhood and know that without my tribe and my willingness to ask for help when I need it – I too would drown. My tribe helps with childcare, allows me to go on girls nights, lets me vent, reminds me that I’m not alone, reminds me that I’m a good mom, shares in the joy and rally for the struggle. These people are my husband, our parents, siblings, friends, daycare staff, fitness tribe, and OBGYN.

How to Build a Tribe:

Your tribe members are those people who accept you for who you are, and who want the very best for you, or at the very least treat you with respect. They make you feel understood, and they encourage you to go after your goals and pursue your dreams. Also, the members of your tribe help you to get through difficult times, and they provide you with a sense of community and support.

Here are a few tips on building your own tribe:

Take the initiative and find ways to connect. People cannot read your mind.
Think of all the moms you already have in your life. Then think of family members, friends, professionals you trust, and acquaintances. You know, those people you worry about burdening with all your problems. Make a list and consider what these people are good at/ their strengths. Some of them may be great with the kids, some of them may have flexible schedules, some of them may be educated in things you know nothing about, some may be good listeners, some may enjoy similar activities, etc.
Think of the qualities you want your tribe members to have. For example, you may want each of your tribe members to have the following qualities: treats people with respect, listens but doesn’t judge, has faith, enjoys coffee, doesn’t sweat the small stuff, is loyal and trustworthy.
If there are one or two people you already know who you would like to strengthen your friendship with, try to find a way to work together. Working with others can help you strengthen your bonds with them.
Decide if there’s a particular type of activity that you want to engage in with your tribe. You could start a book club, work out together, go to happy hour/ brunch, or attend art shows.
Use Social Media to create a virtual tribe; you can then look for ways to meet in the offline world as you desire. Use the topics and activities that you’re interested in a search for groups. You can also enter the city where you live as a key term in order to find others who share your interests and live in your area. Search for social media groups and forums which cater to moms or a particular topic that you’re passionate about.
Look for upcoming community events in your city that are centered around activities you enjoy or causes you are passionate about.
Create your tribe by helping others achieve their goals. Connect with people in your social network who have common interests. Give them access to information and resources that they need and let them know that you’re available if they need help.
Create rituals that you can share with your tribe, such as having regular meals together/ brunch. You can also have inside-jokes that’s unique to your tribe. Look for ways to make your group feel connected and know that it’s a group.

Get Additional Support When Needed

Get the support you need. It doesn’t make you weak. It doesn’t make you selfish. You taking care of yourself is the best thing you can do for your family. As you open yourself to letting people in, trust your instincts. When was the last time you had a gut feeling about someone? Sometimes you’ll meet someone new and you’ll feel drawn to them right away, almost as if you were old friends. Other times you’ll come across people who immediately make you want to put up your guard. Pay attention to your gut reaction to others and keep in mind that the people you hang out with will have a huge impact on every aspect of your life, from your level of income to your level of happiness. We have a tendency to model the behavior of those around us. Choose your tribe wisely so that you can thrive in life rather than simply survive it.

If you have a tribe or feel that you have tried to build one and are still struggling, consider seeking additional support with a Perinatal Mental Health Specialist.

How Do I Know I Need More Help?

Trying to become pregnant, pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting bring dramatic changes to your life – and your emotional health.

While motherhood can be an exciting and joyful time, the changes that accompany can also leave you feeling sad, guilty, overwhelmed, irritable, or unable to relax and enjoy your developing relationship with your baby and/or family.

You might be feeling down.
You may feel more tired than usual, yet unable to sleep.
You might be less interested in eating
You may get angry and annoyed more easily.
You might have trouble thinking clearly and making decisions.
You may worry or get anxious for reasons you don’t completely understand.
You may experience flashbacks or nightmares about past traumatic events.

All of these reactions are normal, and they might also be symptoms of a temporary and treatable set of conditions called Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders (PMADs) depending on how long you experience these symptoms and the intensity. If they get worse or do not go away after a few weeks, do not be afraid to communicate any of these experiences with your OBGYN and your tribe as they can be supportive in helping you get more support such as initiating therapy/ counseling, medication management, and/or other holistic approaches. Should you experience the following consult your OBGYN and/or initiate counseling with a perinatal mental health provider immediately.