Be a Tech-Savvy Parent

The truth is that there is the good, the bad, and the ugly of the technology world. In an instant we can connect to people we love, valuable information (like this newsletter now), and fun and in an instant we can connect with propaganda, pornography, and predators. Our children can unknowingly get themselves into trouble or on impulse do or send something they can never take back.

Lions, tigers, and bears… OH MY! Right?!

If you are like me, then you immediately had 2 thoughts at the same time- no technology EVER and I must know everything about technology to keep them safe. Well neither are really an option. Technology is here, it is not all bad, and you can’t know everything in a constantly changing world without going insane. So what do you do?

You build the relationship with your child and plug in times for coaching and curiosity. Your relationship with your child is key in having influence and keeping your kid as safe as one can. It is normal for your teen to begin to move away from their parents’ worldview and begin to take in what they learn from their peers and now also the internet/devices. You can make it easier to address concerns and influence change if you plug in quality time with your child. And yes, you need to schedule it. When you and your teen sit down and schedule 1:1 time they learn to count on the time and will begin to come to the time with their own agendas for what to discuss. Quality of the time is more important than how much time is spent. During this time, model respect by showing up, actively listening, and participating in the conversation. Lastly, be sure to turn your judgments into curiosities.

No fear if you haven’t been doing this since diapers, start today. Take full responsibility. Schedule the time with them, letting them know it is important to you to build the relationship. And no matter how they show up, Model respect and patience so that they will follow.

I will be completely honest, to do this you have to be brave and heal you too. Work through whatever has led to distance in the relationship and judgment.

Once you have this time scheduled, remember this:

Own your own use – You have a phone, you have social media, email, etc. How are you using it. Does it take over your day? Just be aware and if they confront you, own it.
Be curious and respectful – create space for understanding and having their best interest in mind. Look for flexibility to keep both you and your kid in mind. Sometimes kids use these devices and technology for self regulation and bonding. If you have a lot of chaos in the home technology is their strategy to zone out or connect. If your kid is like my kid, teach them various ways to self regulate (this will depend on your kid). Remember a lack of respect has them looking for respect elsewhere.
Scaffold the information– they do not want a barrage of information. That feels like drinking from a fire hose and is just too much. Your kid will tune you out. Keep it short and simple.
Create Collaborative Restrictions– if older than 13 you can collaborate for family limits. Younger than 13 you still need to teach limits. This also helps to make consequences agreed upon. And again model it and follow it 🙂

The constant recommendation from all sources is to delay access as long as possible purely due to brain development of children and teens and being conscious about what your child is consuming because of the high levels of influence and effect.

That being said, every family makes their own determinations. If you decide on the necessity of devices- set reasonable boundaries for devices, social media, and gaming (ex.Keep devices out of the bathroom and bedroom. Discuss the allowed apps). All of that will be easier with the bond you have created.

PARENTAL CONTROL FACTS

The tech information that you really want that answers the questions I hear the most. What can I do now? Tell me the details.

Remember your parent/child bond is your first defense because it is unbreakable when nurtured. You can’t know what the experts know and that is ok. Be the expert in family bonding and you can get through it all.

Parental controls are not foolproof, but they can be a safety protocol and immediate barrier to access. Faredah Shaheed, a leading expert, says to use caution on parental apps. She recommends thinking of an app like a car. You need maintenance for continued quality and safety. Maintenance costs money. Not all companies running the plethora of apps have the money to keep up with maintenance of the apps. Hackers know this and prey on the vulnerabilities of these apps. The good news is that the best apps you probably already have because these companies have the money, which simply means they have the most eyes to constantly check for vulnerabilities in their apps.

The current apps recommended by top leaders in safety:

Google Family Link
Microsoft Safety
An Antivirus like Norton Parental Control Suite
Apple Family Sharing

Advice from Shaheed:

If the word SPY is in the app name- run
Check the apps website for security information. Some will only show a privacy policy. You want to be sure they spell out how they will secure the safety of the app.

WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT PORN & RISKY BUSINESS

The ugly side of technology is the porn industry. And it runs deep, down to suggestive media that no one thinks twice about but gives your child a false template for concepts of sex and sexuality. The best protective factor here is teaching body integrity from a young age and build the bond.

Risk Reduction Strategies:

Build resilience and resistance by

Delaying use as long as possible
Teaching body integrity, safety, and reporting early
Teach skepticism and boundaries
Get on the platform – get them to show you- be interested
Know who they are connecting with
Be open minded – judgment leaves kids vulnerable to finding “safety” elsewhere. This does not mean you have to lose your boundaries. Listen to their perspective. Consider both sides and act in the best interest of your child.

How can a parent pick up on exposure to pornography and/or an addiction?

Withdrawal from family, friends, enjoyed activities
Close their device when you enter the room
Excessive time in the bathroom
Secretive about online/offline friends
Disordered sleep
Using precocious language
Shift in mood
Come into money or items of value

How to address:

Compose yourself first – the industry and culture are the problem, not your child. Own your feelings and take responsibility for those feelings so you can act with love and limits.
Be loving- shaming or blaming your child leaves them vulnerable to more risk.
Empower your kid with options. This industry strips choice, give it back. Say something like: We are going to have to discuss this. I won’t be upset with you. I love you and I want to hear what you have to say. Then give a time frame for choice anywhere from later today to the next day.

YOU CAN be a Tech Savvy Parent because you can be aware of needed tech protections and you build the parent/child bond. Parenting is a humbling experience when you are expected to know everything and now you have to be a tech expert too. You will not be perfect and your kids may experience or see things that you’d wish they didn’t. Your kid may disappoint you. Your bond and your response is what you have the most control over. Build your bond and heal you so that you can be the parent who acts from the best intention.