Mind over Matter! A common phrase that speaks volumes. Now how do you do it?
I know, some of you might be thinking, easier said than done. Well you are right, but no one ever said change is easy we just promise that the change is worth it when it comes to good health and positive thinking. Kind of like when your whole world changed when you got to hold your precious baby for the first time. I didn’t know it all then, I still don’t, but I know that keeping myself in check and showing up daily as a mom is a must. The same with your life and goals!
I find myself talking to moms, young adults, and teens daily about how their mindset is sabotaging their success. It is really a shame how hard we are on ourselves and how cruel we can be. We are quick to kindness with others, but it’s harder for us to look in the mirror and show the reflection the same love. I think it is so important for you to realize you are lovable/ valuable, treat yourself with kindness, and allow for success. To do this we have to adjust our mindset. Let’s dive in, get to the real talk about mindset.
When we feel stuck, it’s because we are. The way we feel. The way we think. What we do. It all effects each other. If I’m feeling disappointed and tell myself I’m stupid or it’s hopeless, then I’m not going to do the work needed for the task because what’s the point. I’m not going to study, try to communicate with my partner, or anything to help instead I’m going to do the opposite. I will get distracted by my phone, or tv and become passive or aggressive in communication. I’m going to avoid the things that will help because I don’t believe in them, in myself and don’t want to face what “I know”.
The compound effect of this day in and day out leads to that rut, depression, and/or persistent anxiety. The opposite can happen if I change my thinking. If I say, today I am disappointed and I can change things. (see not sunshine, unicorns and rainbows, I’m not saying yay I’m perfect, it’s all going to be ok). Then I’m motivated to explore what is needed for change and consider asking for help, studying, continuing the homework assignment, finding a way to be heard by my partner, etc…
Get comfortable with that fact that when you are emotional you aren’t thinking clearly. When I’m stressed, I can look like a chicken with my head cut off- not effective. Thinking not clear.
Here are the most common ways we think that sabotage wellness success:
1. If you aren’t perfect, you are a total failure. If you don’t get everything you want, it feels like you got nothing.
These are very polarized thoughts.
Example: You don’t do as well on a test as you had hoped and tell yourself you are stupid and will fail for the year. You approach the day feeling like you have to be perfect in your actions and if you make a mistake you consider yourself a complete failure.
2. You make a sweeping negative conclusion that exceeds the circumstance.
Example: You show up to a social outing and feel uncomfortable. You make the conclusion that no one will like you and this night will be terrible.
3. You know the future and predict negative outcomes.
Example: You are considering change that seems difficult- “I’m not going to be able to stick to this.”
4. Selective perception that tends to be negative and ignore the many positive things.
Example: You have been getting along well with your partner, communicating your feelings, spending more time together and today they are busy with work. “I’m not doing enough or they just don’t want to spend time with me.”
5. You now have super powers and know what people are thinking and feeling.
Example: Someone makes a suggestion- “They must think I’m stupid.” “People think I should be able to do it all.”
6. Your feelings become facts aka I feel it therefore it is.
Example: I’m dreading work or school therefore, it’s a bad idea to go.
7. You tell yourself that the positives don’t count.
Example: “I took a good picture but that was a fluke.” People give a compliment, and you respond yea but…. “That was just luck.”
8. Extreme language to describe people, places, things, events.
Example: Failure, Worthless, Stupid…
“It’s too hard”
“I’m so fat”
“This is stupid”
“I was so bad”
9. You have a fixed idea of how you and others “should” behave and you overestimate how bad it will be if they do not behave in this prescribed way.
Example: “I shouldn’t be so upset”
“It’s terrible that I made a mistake, I should always do my best”
“I should be able to perform like Suzie. I sucked today”
10. You perceive yourself as the cause of things you have no control over or the target of something that has nothing to do with you
Example: Someone is short with you- “I must have done something to upset them.”
These thoughts are both untrue and hurt you by having you repeat the same behaviors over and over again that don’t make you feel better and lead to a downward spiral in the opposite direction from the results you deserve.
So now that you know what you are doing, what do you do about it?
First, be aware of what your body is like when you are emotional. Treat this information as warning signals. This can help you know things like when I fidget with my hands I’m starting to get uncomfortable when I pace or my chest gets tight – I’m stressed.
Then acknowledge the emotion (ex. I am feeling anxious, I am feeling disappointed..). Get comfortable with your feelings and knowing that your feelings aren’t facts. Take a minute and try to see all sides of the situation and stop assuming.
Lastly, recognize that 2 things can exist at the same time and you will survive. You can be both disappointed that things didn’t go as planned and have a good day. You can be tired and get your task completed. Because once you accept your emotion you can then problem solve how to care for it in a way that works for you.
Here are 10 helpful statements to help shift your mindset when trying to motivate yourself to continue to improve your life:
I’m improving every day
I stumbled a bit last week, but I’m committed to making positive choices this week
I can
I clearly need to try something new
I will make change. I’m determined to experience change. I will make those changes.
I do care. I need to do this for my health and well being. I will do this for myself
It’s ok that I feel disappointed- this is important to me. Let me think about what can go differently to help me feel better and reach my goals.
My parent, partner, therapist does want me to succeed and has my best interest in mind when it comes to my happiness
I will keep showing up and trust the process
My journey is my own and won’t look like anyone else’s
A positive mindset leads to more positive outcomes.
Positive is not sunshine, unicorns, and rainbows as I’ve said before. I’m not saying be blissfully unaware. Acknowledge and own your current experiences, but you don’t have to beat a dead horse by reminding yourself of mistakes or name call. Learn from the past and move on.
These more positive statements will help you actually commit to the behaviors that lead you to reach your goals.
When you think today is an opportunity for change you commit to healthier behaviors, communication, and choices and you make it work within your busy life.
When you follow through with these change behaviors you will also notice positive changes in your mood, which will impact your relationships in a positive way.
You give so much compassion to the world around you. It’s time to give that kindness to yourself, pay it inward while you pay it forward.
Shift your mindset and give yourself the life you deserve.
~Brynne.
Brynne Angelle is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker providing therapy and counseling services in Lafayette, LA. To learn more click here., or follow me to stay up to date with the latest.